I’m not pregnant 🙁
I’ll be honest, I thought I was 100% pregnant. My breasts were sore (sorry TMI), I was nauseous, I was fatigued and I was starving. All signs I had experienced in my prior pregnancies (1 viable 4 miscarried). Then one day I woke up and I felt normal. Just like with my past miscarriages, all my symptoms were gone and almost immediately I started spotting. Lightly at first so when I spoke with the nurse she said to wait to take my at home test for another day (all this started happening the day before my two week wait was over). While she sounded hopeful, deep down I knew what was happening.
That night I lost it. I honestly thought I was miscarrying again and felt so mad at myself that I lost another one. I spent the evening in my bed, crying and feeling sorry for myself.
Then I thought about the positive. Yes there is a positive.
When we went in for our final appointment before we would do timed conception they were concerned because I had several large follicles. The more follicles you have enlarged the higher your chance of multiples. Since I was going out of town for Blogfest, we had to prolong the Trigger shot and timed conception a few days which increased my risk even more.
While we desperately want a baby, that’s all we want. ONE baby. Of course I know my chances of having multiples is higher by going that route. However, when you hear the nurse say, “Let’s hope there’s no more than three in there.” You get a little panicky. Which is how I was feeling.
So when I began my period a few days after the spotting started I knew I hadn’t been pregnant and I honestly felt a bit relieved.
For one, I hadn’t experienced another miscarrige. That’s HUGE for me!
For two, we weren’t pregnant with multiples! Maybe a bit selfish on my part but even the doctor admitted that the way we had to go about doing things wasn’t routine. Since I was going out of town they had less time to monitor me and my follicles. So if and when I decided to go for round two I know they will have more control over my risks of multiples
Finally, I was a little excited because I started my cycle! This was the first time I’ve had an actual period (on my own) in well over a year. So to know that I could possibly track my own ovulation was pretty exciting.
So, where do we go from here?
It’s no secret I wasn’t thrilled about going the infertility treatment route. I HATED putting the hormones/drugs into my body and really struggled with doing so. I definitely experienced negative side effects and for over a month felt depressed, sad, and unhappy. Yes, if we were to have gotten pregnant it all would have been worth it. However, is this the route I want to go to get pregnant? No. Do I think I could possibly get pregnant on my own? Yes, I do think so but I might need a little assistance to carry to term. Part of what they did to assist me in getting pregnant was to thicken my uterine lining and get helped to get my hormones a little more balanced with estrogen and progesterone. So part of my thought process right now is to try to go about doing things the old fashioned way, then supplement with progesterone and blood thinners (due to my MTHFR) once we do get pregnant. I say “my thought process” because I haven’t yet met with my doctor to see what he thinks.
I am taking a month off though and just letting things be for a little bit. First off the nurse told me that I had so many enlarged follicles that there could still be a chance of having multiples if I were to get pregnant right now. She even mentioned that they might skip a cycle or two due to that if we did decide to do another round. Second I just want some time to breathe and work on me a little bit. For the past two + years nearly everything has been about getting and staying pregnant. I’m constantly worried about my cycle, what I’m eating, what exercises I’m doing, am I stressed, am I sleeping enough, am I taking enough supplements on and on and on…
Yes, I desperately want a baby and preferably before The Love Nugget starts college 😉 However, I know that taking care of me is equally – if not more important – than just working on a baby. If I’m not 100% healthy in mind and body, will my baby be? Or will I be during my pregnancy? So for now I’m just chillin’. Literally. I’m enjoying exercising again. (Don’t worry, keeping it mellow). I’m planning a few fun things with friends, camping, and other adventures in the next month or so to just relax and enjoy life as it is now. While we are definitely not giving up, I just need a little time to get back to being me.
So there you have it. My two week update. I had really hoped to be sharing much more positive news with you all but just know that we are happy and moving forward 🙂